My relationship with God

I have struggled immensely with my relationship with God. In the past, I often felt that he had turned his back on me. Having a relationship with him initially was amazing: I felt connected, free, happy, deeply joyful. But as more and more pain came into my life, I began to struggle with why I was no longer being loved by the Lord. How could someone who is so omnipotent, so loving, so powerful, allow these things to happen? People always say that it’s because God is a “gentleman” and won’t force things. Or that people have free will and he respects that. But like… even if that’s true, he would rather see his children suffer than step in and let them know that they are not alone? He would rather see his supposed beloved child die by suicide?

In the present, I think sometimes I would like a relationship with him. But when I did that, so much bad happened that I don’t know if I want to go back down that road again.

-ABR 

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Weight loss update!

It has been so long since I have posted!! Honestly not very much has been going on, just working, hanging out with friends, and playing with my little niece and nephew!

But I have some good news to share… since January I have lost 20.2lbs!!! I am so excited. I still plan to lose another 9.8lbs. Is this part of my eating disorder… maybe. But it’s been a slow and steady weight loss and I am so excited to finally start feeling comfortable and confident in my body again. This is the lowest weight I have been in a lot time, and I am SO EXCITED to lose even more.

How is everyone else doing? Update me!!

-ABR

Worthless

I feel so worthless and insignificant. Things were getting better but they are much worse now. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. I feel so alone. I feel like I am unworthy of health and happiness. I am useless, fat, disgusting. I’m in a low place and I don’t know where to go from here. I feel so alone, and hopeless. I don’t know how, or if I ever even want to, recover from my eating disorder anymore. I don’t know if I deserve a life without it. I feel sentenced to a life of ED.

Unseen, unheard

Lately I have been feeling unseen, and unheard. I feel that I have so much to offer, but no one is listening. My voice falls silently on unhearing ears, and I find myself alone, over and over again. I feel silenced, and backed into a corner by bullies that I work with, who are implicit and covert in their ways. They push the edge, but never enough to go noticed by others. I am reminded of high school pettiness, and clearly I do not make the cut in popularity or opinion.

I do not understand their faux friendships and disloyalties, even with each other. I watch them sit on the fences of their relationships and claim to be friends, all the while backstabbing each other when the others aren’t looking.

In all of this, I feel unseen and unheard. The quiet observer, who is excluded but yet still somehow understands their dynamics better than they do.

Sometimes I want to scream to be seen. Sometimes I just want to be heard.

But right now I swim alone in the emptiness of the abyss.

-ABR

Summertime Depression

Hello to all,

I am sorry I have been away for quite some time; I have been going through a period of depression and I am struggling to see a way out.  In terms of eating disorder recovery, I actually feel on track.  I am eating well, and I have not been symptomatic.  Lately, I have had a very low mood with seemingly no origin, and I am struggling with motivation, feelings of hopelessness, and lethargy.  I feel like this is how many people feel during the darker, colder months of winter.  While I have been enjoying the gorgeous summer weather we’ve been having, and I’ve been spending a lot of time with my loved ones and friends outside on hikes and patios, I’ve just had this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am not okay.

Lately I am experiencing overwhelming feelings of inadequacy.  I know that I am not inadequate, but this is still how I have been feeling.  I have been feeling discouraged and lonely.  I spend all of my free time, whenever I get it, sleeping.  I am tired all of the time, and again without reason.  My rational mind and my emotional mind don’t seem to be adding up.  I am thankful that in this low patch, I am able to remain symptom free from the eating disorder.

Even as I write this now, I feel stuck.  I ask myself what my readers even want to read, or what I could bring to my readers that will keep them engaged and interested? Even as I ask myself this, I feel so stuck, and so exhausted.

-ABR

Summertime!!

Lately we have been having unbelievably beautiful weather and I have been loving it!! Work has been going brilliantly as well, and I’ve been having a lot of fun meeting up with friends and family for drinks on the patio.

Lately, life has been good. While a few weeks ago I had been slipping, it feels amazing to write to you all and let you know that my absence has merely been an addiction that I have been busy leading a happy, productive life!

In true #StigmaSlayer form, I have been talking and advocating about mental health and recovery a lot lately. I have even been invited to help run an eating disorder support group in my community!! I am not sure when that will start running, but I am SO EXCITED about the opportunity. I have attended group counselling and support groups so much that it will be a gift to hopefully be able to help others.

Have any of you attended groups before? What are some ideas that you loved about being in group? What are some things you wish you had done or learned while being in group?

Let me know your thoughts! I have my own ideas, but the more the merrier!

So excited to share this with you!!

-ABR

Building Resiliency

I have been able to lift myself out of my few weeks of slipping back into the binge-purge cycle. I am back on track with my meal plan, and my workouts. It feels good to be back in control of my health!! A big thank you to everyone who offered support and prayers. 

I think the last few weeks have taught me resiliency. It’s okay to slip! It’s human. I am coming out of it stronger (although I still feel a little wobbly too!). I feel so humble about my experience, but I also know it will take a lot more to get me to crumble.

Today I am starting yoga for the first time! I want to build my spiritual resilience as well; the connection to the planet and to myself.

I am feeling a lot more positive than I have recently, and I am excited to have survived the latest attack from my ED Trickster. I know recovery from this IS possible. It truly is… and I feel sure that one day I will experience completely, 100% recovery.

-ABR