Lately we have been having unbelievably beautiful weather and I have been loving it!! Work has been going brilliantly as well, and I’ve been having a lot of fun meeting up with friends and family for drinks on the patio.
Lately, life has been good. While a few weeks ago I had been slipping, it feels amazing to write to you all and let you know that my absence has merely been an addiction that I have been busy leading a happy, productive life!
In true #StigmaSlayer form, I have been talking and advocating about mental health and recovery a lot lately. I have even been invited to help run an eating disorder support group in my community!! I am not sure when that will start running, but I am SO EXCITED about the opportunity. I have attended group counselling and support groups so much that it will be a gift to hopefully be able to help others.
Have any of you attended groups before? What are some ideas that you loved about being in group? What are some things you wish you had done or learned while being in group?
Let me know your thoughts! I have my own ideas, but the more the merrier!
So excited to share this with you!!
I have been able to lift myself out of my few weeks of slipping back into the binge-purge cycle. I am back on track with my meal plan, and my workouts. It feels good to be back in control of my health!! A big thank you to everyone who offered support and prayers.
I think the last few weeks have taught me resiliency. It’s okay to slip! It’s human. I am coming out of it stronger (although I still feel a little wobbly too!). I feel so humble about my experience, but I also know it will take a lot more to get me to crumble.
Today I am starting yoga for the first time! I want to build my spiritual resilience as well; the connection to the planet and to myself.
I am feeling a lot more positive than I have recently, and I am excited to have survived the latest attack from my ED Trickster. I know recovery from this IS possible. It truly is… and I feel sure that one day I will experience completely, 100% recovery.
This week I was ensnared by my ED, and I returned to my purging ways. It has been quite some time since I engaged in purging, and I surprised myself by liking it. For the first few days I actually felt excited, and strong. I felt like I could do anything because…once again, my Trickster ED told me that I could eat whatever I wanted, and could still be thin.
This wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard before. But it’s crazy how easy it is to become ensnared and entangled into ED all over again. I do not binge eat this week – if anything, I restricted. But I still purged because I figured I could, and because it was giving me a high. It only took a week for me to be trapped back into the familiar shame though, now that the reality of what I have done has sunk in. I am filled with shame that I even returned to purging, and that I did so without binge eating as well. On Friday night I was having one beer with some friends, and I purged it. I literally had one beer. I followed the purge with a walk as well, just for good measure.
Today I had a small binge of about 700 calories. It was the most I had eaten in one sitting in a while. And my stomach physically hurt so much, even though it wasn’t even a true binge. And I wanted to purge so much – I mean, why not? Unbelievably, my shame was too great. When I did not need to purge, I did. When I actually needed to purge to fix what I had done, I was too emotional and full of shame.
I do not know what tomorrow will bring. Right now I hope I never purge again. But that Trickster inside of me will likely rear its ugly head again, and probably soon, and I will mostly likely succumb to the purge once more.
My eating disorder is such a Trickster. It whispers sweet things in my ear, telling me exactly what I want to hear, and sucks me back into a world that I both love and loathe. “It’ll be okay…I won’t be so bad this time…just skip that snack and you’ll be thankful when you wake up tomorrow”, it says. Or, “Tomorrow you’ll either feel sorry, or sore from your choices to eat and exercise…you know you’d rather feel sore…” and then I choose that extra workout. Sometimes the voice tells me not to have a dessert, so I fight it off and have a dessert so I know I’m still in control… but I end up binge eating and the voice says, “see… you were better off not having any dessert in the first place…” and I believe it to be true.
I can see myself going back down this path, and I am so thankful for everyone’s encouragement and support as I work to let it all go. I know this life so well, and I know I don’t want to go back to it… it can just be so hard when ED rears its Trickster face.
First, I want to apologize for not having been posting every Sunday as I had promised. I have thought of posting often, but it has felt entirely impossible.
Second, to update you. Things are not going well. I don’t think I have relapsed completely, but I am definitely slipping and I feel completely powerless to stop it. Everything was going so well, until it wasn’t. I am stressed and worried all of the time. Everything is slipping out of my grasp, out of my control. I want a chance to gain control of everything but it all feels so big now. My eating has been very bad – I have not had any binges – but I have restricted a LOT over the last few weeks/two months. My mood is low. I feel so defeated about everything. I have so little motivation. I am discouraged. I feel very, very lost.
Happy weekend everyone!!
This week I received the exciting news of getting a job promotion!! This is something I have been working toward for about two years, and I am so excited that it has finally happened!! Once again, from a recovery and eating disorder perspective, I had no idea that so much happiness could come into my life and I really wanted to acknowledge that.
My recovery does not look like what I thought it “should” look like. I still have slips, I still fall back – my recovery is not perfect. Which actually only tells me that my idea of recovery is changing and that’s not a bad thing. I still slip, but my eating disorder no longer consumes every thought, action, and moment of every day. There is now room in my life for other things, and that feels good.
There is a person at work that I really struggle with. She is manipulative, gossips, and plays the victim when she feels threatened or does not get her way. If someone else has success, she tries to tear them down by spreading rumours, and talking nonsense behind their backs. I do not trust her for a second, and I don’t understand what others see in her – although maybe this is because I have been a target to her behaviours. This person plays the game very well and she often flies under the radar of management and others in charge. This person applied to the same job promotion as I did, and I was consumed with worry that she would get the job; that once again management would not see through her facade. I feel so grateful that they chose me to step into this new position!! And I have a little bit of extra gratitude that her political games did not work for her this time around.
Things are going well; so well!! Next week I’ll have started my new position…can’t wait to tell all of you about it 🙂
Okay so – two posts in one day. I felt like I should do this officially!! I was kindly nominated for a Blogger Recognition Award from https://purpleslobinrecovery.wordpress.com/!! I am so, so excited as I am pretty new to the blogging world and only just started my blog in October of 2016.
Here are the rules:
- Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
- Write a post to show your award.
- Give a brief story of how your blog started.
- Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers.
- Select 15 other bloggers you want to give this award to.
- Comment on each blog and let them know you have nominated them and provide the link to the post you created.
Okay so – again, thank you https://purpleslobinrecovery.wordpress.com/ for nominating me. I am truly honoured. This is the post to show my award!! And I feel TRULY excited.
How my blog got started: I wanted to write a story about the truth about eating disorders. I have one, and I got tired of hearing so many false stories about what it means to have one. I set out to be a stigma slayer, and to show that the road is a tough one – but not impossible. I have gathered a lot of support from others on this blog, and I hope that I am providing support to others as well.
Two pieces of advice – the first, speak from the heart. The second, just be you!
I’m not sure I know 15 other bloggers that well, so I will just keep adding onto this list!!
- Liz @ https://perfectisnteasy.wordpress.com/
- Kathryn @ https://recoveryintrospection.wordpress.com/
- Kate @ https://katemcclelland01.wordpress.com/
- Falak @ http://misstalkaholic.com/
- JuliaKaylin @ https://thetruthofa20somethingyearold.wordpress.com/