Happy weekend everyone!!
This week I received the exciting news of getting a job promotion!! This is something I have been working toward for about two years, and I am so excited that it has finally happened!! Once again, from a recovery and eating disorder perspective, I had no idea that so much happiness could come into my life and I really wanted to acknowledge that.
My recovery does not look like what I thought it “should” look like. I still have slips, I still fall back – my recovery is not perfect. Which actually only tells me that my idea of recovery is changing and that’s not a bad thing. I still slip, but my eating disorder no longer consumes every thought, action, and moment of every day. There is now room in my life for other things, and that feels good.
There is a person at work that I really struggle with. She is manipulative, gossips, and plays the victim when she feels threatened or does not get her way. If someone else has success, she tries to tear them down by spreading rumours, and talking nonsense behind their backs. I do not trust her for a second, and I don’t understand what others see in her – although maybe this is because I have been a target to her behaviours. This person plays the game very well and she often flies under the radar of management and others in charge. This person applied to the same job promotion as I did, and I was consumed with worry that she would get the job; that once again management would not see through her facade. I feel so grateful that they chose me to step into this new position!! And I have a little bit of extra gratitude that her political games did not work for her this time around.
Things are going well; so well!! Next week I’ll have started my new position…can’t wait to tell all of you about it 🙂
Okay so – two posts in one day. I felt like I should do this officially!! I was kindly nominated for a Blogger Recognition Award from https://purpleslobinrecovery.wordpress.com/!! I am so, so excited as I am pretty new to the blogging world and only just started my blog in October of 2016.
Here are the rules:
- Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
- Write a post to show your award.
- Give a brief story of how your blog started.
- Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers.
- Select 15 other bloggers you want to give this award to.
- Comment on each blog and let them know you have nominated them and provide the link to the post you created.
Okay so – again, thank you https://purpleslobinrecovery.wordpress.com/ for nominating me. I am truly honoured. This is the post to show my award!! And I feel TRULY excited.
How my blog got started: I wanted to write a story about the truth about eating disorders. I have one, and I got tired of hearing so many false stories about what it means to have one. I set out to be a stigma slayer, and to show that the road is a tough one – but not impossible. I have gathered a lot of support from others on this blog, and I hope that I am providing support to others as well.
Two pieces of advice – the first, speak from the heart. The second, just be you!
I’m not sure I know 15 other bloggers that well, so I will just keep adding onto this list!!
- Liz @ https://perfectisnteasy.wordpress.com/
- Kathryn @ https://recoveryintrospection.wordpress.com/
- Kate @ https://katemcclelland01.wordpress.com/
- Falak @ http://misstalkaholic.com/
- JuliaKaylin @ https://thetruthofa20somethingyearold.wordpress.com/
I am sorry that I promised I would post every Sunday, and then failed to post last week!! It has been a VERY busy week with work, school, and…having a life, of course! Things have been going so, SO well!! I had a few slips in my eating this week, and found myself experiencing some binge eating (although not nearly to the intensity that I had done so before) and I did not use any compensatory measures to get rid of the binge. I just accepted that I had done so, and I moved past it. I attended the eating disorder support group again last week, and I found it to be incredibly helpful. It is amazing to sit in a room full of people who genuinely understand, at the deepest level, of what it is like to live with an eating disorder. I am beginning to feel connected again, and that feels great! I have started incorporating moderate exercise back into my life, with a short 10-15 minute work out a few times a week. This has helped tremendously to get rid of excessive energy which otherwise had left me feeling anxious. I never use the exercise to compensate for food – and this is why I have capped the length of working out at 10-15 minutes for now. Maybe one can I will be able to increase the workout time.
I have also noticed that I am truly beginning to cherish my recovery – what a change from two months ago when I was completely ready to give everything up! I have even been trying some new recipes – I bought spaghetti squash today which I plan to make for dinner tomorrow night! I am pretty excited about that. I am also starting to see how things like perfectionism are really just manifestations of my eating disorder – but that were always hidden under the guise of ‘perfectionism’! I thought they were separate but I have realized that – for me – they are actually the same side of a coin.
It feels so good to share this with all of you!! So I sign off now with this quote. See you all next Sunday!!
Oh my goodness – PS – I was nominated for a Blogger Recognition award by https://purpleslobinrecovery.wordpress.com/!!! So please, go check out her blog. She has been a wonderful follower on mine and has truly helped me in my journey since starting this blog in October. Thank you ❤
I want to start being more consistent with my blog now that my life is starting to feel a little less out of control. I feel like maintaining this blog has been a positive thing for me; I feel very much supported in my recovery on this blog and I also feel like it is so important to talk about my journey. At one time I was completely consumed by the online world; I had fully immersed myself into pro-ana but I no longer participate in that online community. I have found connection and hope with this blog and with the individuals who read it and who have been supporting me for the last few months!
My goal is to post something every Sunday. This will be a good day to reflect on the week and to keep myself accountable to how things are going. Today I will be meal planning and meal prepping for the week!
While things have been up and down for the last month and a half, I have found that generally I have been feeling more up than down. I am feeling stable? I think this might be what happiness feels like…
I think I used to believe that happiness was something unattainable, or that I would maybe feel happy at some point, but it basically wasn’t going to happen. Until I took the step to try – really try – recovery and wow – what a difference it has made. Someone sent me this quote recently:
and it has become such a true manta for me. I cannot put other people first – I cannot sacrifice myself or change myself for others. I have to do it out of love and compassion for myself. I feel so empowered!! I think this is what happiness feels like for me – feeling capable, empowered, maybe even starting to feel comfortable in my skin. After group counselling I felt unsure, discouraged, and hesitant – some call this ‘vulnerability fatigue’. I wanted to undo all of the work that I had done in the group counselling session. But now I am feeling strong, determined, and excited. I have a life to live!!
Last week I went to my first group counselling session for people with eating disorders. It was an intimidating experience, but in some ways I am glad that I went. I was disturbed that one of the counsellors (there were two in the room) openly admitted to ‘living with an eating disorder’. This discouraged me and made me wonder if people ever actually recover, or if we just learn to live with it? I thought recovery was possible, but then it’s like…how does someone help people with eating disorders when they can’t even help themselves? It feels a bit backwards to me.
In the group counselling session we received some handouts, talked about our personal experiences, and were given a workbook. Something that stood out to me was how much of a perfectionist I am, and how much that genuinely interferes with my life. I can see how that tendency fuels slips that I have, or how it holds me back from getting back up once I do have slips.
Now I just have to decide if I want to go again for the next session. There are six sessions, and I’m just not sure if I am ready – or worth it. What if I just end up ‘living with’ my eating disorder like the counsellor?
Yesterday I was having a completely unrelated conversation with someone when they suddenly piped up and told me that they are currently eating only 600 calories per day. So what does that even look like?
For me, today 600 calories looks like a trigger, something that I didn’t know would affect me but which has triggered me back into wanting to restrict. Six hundred calories made me come home yesterday and work out for hours. Six hundred calories looks like self-disgust for letting myself want to recover this past month and placed seeds of doubt in my mind that I want to – or even can – recover. Six hundred calories was a totally benign thing to say but which, for me, looks like a complete self-failure for eating at least twice that every day.
I had no idea that 600 calories could look so ugly. And I had no idea that such a small thing to say would have such an impact on me.